New Years Eve, like many struggling with infertility too often we’ve toasted and said “next year will be our year, we’ll have a baby” but as the years go by the statement seems more and more empty. We won’t be saying it this year.
2015 hasn’t been great to be honest (and nor was 2014) and I’m pretty happy to see the back of it. We’ve done 3 rounds of PGS IVF and only had one transfer which devastatingly didn’t work. It’s the first time in three years of IVF that I haven’t got pregnant (not that I’ve missed the miscarriages). I gave up intensive exercise (which I’ve been pretty bitter about) and I started a new job which I’ve just realised I don’t really like and which has caused me a lot of additional stress and extra hours. The hubby has had a lot of injuries, which for a serious athlete like him is stressful. It’s been the year we came to terms with using donor eggs.
But I can see that 2015 hasn’t been all bad. My nana celebrated her 90th in style. The husband and I went on safari in Kenya which was totally awesome, we then did some hard training out there which was tough for me coming on the back of a miscarriage and being unfit, but also great fun. I ran my first half marathon for a while and remembered how much I loved it. We went on holiday to Italy which remains one of our favourite countries. I’m also proud of the way I’ve handled the shit that infertility has thrown at me this year. I’m still sane and coping pretty well.
However, one thing bugs me. In October a long time friend visited from Australia and we had a uni reunion. As I sat there with my sparkling water (of course I was doing IVF) she asked me what I’d been up to in the last year or so. And my mind went totally blank. All I could think of was IVF because it’s been all consuming and it really does feel like that’s all I’ve done for 2 years. I couldn’t think for a moment of anything else in my life and whilst I didn’t mind telling her I didn’t want it to define my life.
So this year I’m making a resolution to live life. I’m going to go out more – to the theatre, to exhibitions, for walks. I’m going to make more effort with friends and stop cutting them out (though it’ll continue to be on my terms -no big gatherings where I’m the only one without kids), I’m going to see my nieces and nephew more as they give me great joy. And I think I’ll look for a new job! Maybe I’ll even get around to the decorating.
This next year I’m setting no deadlines for myself regarding babies. However, I do have hope. In fact it’s likely our chances of success have gone up now we’re planning to use donor eggs. I’m realistic, it may not happen first time. But maybe I can approach 2016 with some cautious optimism….it is a new year after all!