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This is a really hard post to write. I’ve lost my little one.

After my 1st ultrasound a week ago when I was 6+4 but measured 6+1 with a heartbeat I couldn’t shake the feeling that measuring small was an issue, as that’s what happened in my last miscarriage. However, gradually over the last week I started feeling better. I’d had no further bleeding, my symptoms were coming and going but that seemed fairly normal and measuring 3 days under is within the margin of error. I got myself into a fairly positive place the day of my scan and had a productive morning at work before leaving for the clinic.

However, yesterday at the second ultrasound at 7+4 the news wasn’t good. After an absolute age (which panicked me no end) the consultant said there was no heartbeat. The embryo hadn’t grown very much since the last scan either so must’ve died a few days following it. Yet again I’ve not made it past 7.5 weeks.

We were in shock. Before last week I thought there was no way I’d have a miscarriage with a normal embryo. We had 2 PGS tested embryos transferred  – they were normal and good quality. Why had one not taken and the other miscarried? We didn’t really get any good answers. I have mild immune issues and had taken intralipids but I blame myself for not taking the steroids even though my Doctor didn’t think that was an issue. Likewise the blood clot wasn’t the reason, it was small and a result of good implantation. The Doctor said that most likely the PGS missed something. Not a great reassurance for PGS. I just want to know for sure why it happened and he can’t tell me. It makes me nervous about doing this again if we even had the will. I can’t keep going through miscarriages. Is my body even capable of carrying a baby past 7 weeks?

I’ve been fairly numb since. I’ve cried a bit and feel weepy but I’ve not properly broken down yet – there just doesn’t seem any point. I know this is an issue I need to deal with. I found it very hard to grieve my miscarriage last time.  I know this is the worst part – the next couple of weeks – the sadness hits you when you least expect it – when you’re out running, when you’re cooking, when a sad song comes on the radio, in the shower, when you wake up in the morning and remember what you lost. Then gradually over time we’ll feel better, maybe not happy for a long time, but maybe not as sad, and one day you laugh and you realise that you’re ok. I just wish I could fast forward two months.

The  unfairness of it all is overwhelming me. I feel left behind – nearly all my friends have children  and most of my fertility challenged friends are now having babies (which I’m really happy about). I just wanted to be a mum. We thought donor eggs would be the answer but they’re not. Where does this leave us? We have one more normal embryo but my consultant is cautioning against transfer – its not great quality and he thinks we should do another cycle perhaps with a different donor – plus he thinks we should be transferring 2 each time to maximise our chances. But we’re not made of money. And we’re tired. Tired of lurching from fertility treatment to treatment. It’s been all consuming these last few years (for our whole marriage in fact). When is enough enough? I don’t think we’re quite ready to give up but we’re very, very close. I’ve not seriously considered a childless future, I’ve been too scared to, but I think I need to – we both do. The last two days  we actually started to discuss it. It means potentially huge lifestyle changes such as selling our house (which is a family home), and my husband changing his career (which he hates but is doing for our future) but we tried to see the positives.

For now I need to focus on the physical side of things but there are tough conversations and decisions ahead – just when we thought we might have finally cracked this.