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This is a really hard post to write. I’ve lost my little one.
After my 1st ultrasound a week ago when I was 6+4 but measured 6+1 with a heartbeat I couldn’t shake the feeling that measuring small was an issue, as that’s what happened in my last miscarriage. However, gradually over the last week I started feeling better. I’d had no further bleeding, my symptoms were coming and going but that seemed fairly normal and measuring 3 days under is within the margin of error. I got myself into a fairly positive place the day of my scan and had a productive morning at work before leaving for the clinic.
However, yesterday at the second ultrasound at 7+4 the news wasn’t good. After an absolute age (which panicked me no end) the consultant said there was no heartbeat. The embryo hadn’t grown very much since the last scan either so must’ve died a few days following it. Yet again I’ve not made it past 7.5 weeks.
We were in shock. Before last week I thought there was no way I’d have a miscarriage with a normal embryo. We had 2 PGS tested embryos transferred – they were normal and good quality. Why had one not taken and the other miscarried? We didn’t really get any good answers. I have mild immune issues and had taken intralipids but I blame myself for not taking the steroids even though my Doctor didn’t think that was an issue. Likewise the blood clot wasn’t the reason, it was small and a result of good implantation. The Doctor said that most likely the PGS missed something. Not a great reassurance for PGS. I just want to know for sure why it happened and he can’t tell me. It makes me nervous about doing this again if we even had the will. I can’t keep going through miscarriages. Is my body even capable of carrying a baby past 7 weeks?
I’ve been fairly numb since. I’ve cried a bit and feel weepy but I’ve not properly broken down yet – there just doesn’t seem any point. I know this is an issue I need to deal with. I found it very hard to grieve my miscarriage last time. I know this is the worst part – the next couple of weeks – the sadness hits you when you least expect it – when you’re out running, when you’re cooking, when a sad song comes on the radio, in the shower, when you wake up in the morning and remember what you lost. Then gradually over time we’ll feel better, maybe not happy for a long time, but maybe not as sad, and one day you laugh and you realise that you’re ok. I just wish I could fast forward two months.
The unfairness of it all is overwhelming me. I feel left behind – nearly all my friends have children and most of my fertility challenged friends are now having babies (which I’m really happy about). I just wanted to be a mum. We thought donor eggs would be the answer but they’re not. Where does this leave us? We have one more normal embryo but my consultant is cautioning against transfer – its not great quality and he thinks we should do another cycle perhaps with a different donor – plus he thinks we should be transferring 2 each time to maximise our chances. But we’re not made of money. And we’re tired. Tired of lurching from fertility treatment to treatment. It’s been all consuming these last few years (for our whole marriage in fact). When is enough enough? I don’t think we’re quite ready to give up but we’re very, very close. I’ve not seriously considered a childless future, I’ve been too scared to, but I think I need to – we both do. The last two days we actually started to discuss it. It means potentially huge lifestyle changes such as selling our house (which is a family home), and my husband changing his career (which he hates but is doing for our future) but we tried to see the positives.
For now I need to focus on the physical side of things but there are tough conversations and decisions ahead – just when we thought we might have finally cracked this.
tonibear1415 said:
I literally wrote the same post about 2 weeks ago so i totally get where you are coming from. Its so so hard when you feel youve reached the end. Theres so much to contemplate discuss and come to terms with. Its a very scary time. Thinking of you. X
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mintpea said:
Thank you, thinking of you too. I wish we didn’t have to feel like this. x
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milliemeg said:
Oh I’m so sorry to read this. I’m in tears on your behalf because I feel that sense of loss and despair every day. Not knowing why it keeps happening has to be the most frustrating thing. I don’t know about you but with that knowledge I feel that I could move on and adjust more easily. I was so hopeful for you. Your friends may have got past their difficulties but rest assured we’re all still here, still blogging and trying to come to terms with what life has handed us.
Thinking of you. X
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mintpea said:
Thank you, your comment brought tears to my eyes because you understand. That really helps, not feeling alone. X
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Stephanie S. said:
I am so sorry to read this. Your strength over the past years is awe-inspiring and I can’t believe you have to go through this again. Almost three years into my own infertility journey, I constantly wonder WHY. And how to let go and move on and still feel whole and happy.
I wish you all the best in the next chapter of your journey, through the hard conversations, and moving forward with whatever you decide. And, we’ll still be here reading and rooting for you 🙂
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Nara said:
I’m so, so sorry to hear this. It sounds really similar to our miscarriage last year. I was really hoping this was it for you. I want to give you a big hug. Please don’t make any big decisions now but give yourself time to heal. This part is so painful and nothing is irrevocable… Be gentle with yourself. Xx
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mintpea said:
Thanks. x
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waitingbetweenthelines said:
Your story is exactly my story. I’ve said I have one more donor egg transfer in me but emotionally I can’t do more than that. For our next transfer we are ‘throwing the book at it’… Ie. Treating me as if I have a full immune diagnosis, genetic testing, endometrial scratch… Nothing will be left out. If that still doesn’t work then I will know we tried everything. I’m so very sorry….I know how absolutely heart breaking, despairing painful it is.
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mintpea said:
Thank you. I feel like we did throw everything at it – I had the scratch, intralipids and genetic testing. It doesn’t leave much else – and that’s what frightens me. I feel out of options.
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notpregnantinrezza said:
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair that you are going through this.
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Dubliner in Deutschland said:
I am so sorry to read that you are having another miscarriage. Just when it looked like things were finally going well. Heartbreaking. I hope you and your husband can figure out what do next and I hope your doctors give you some good advice.
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maybebaby said:
I’m so, so sorry to read this. It really is heartbreaking. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs💕 xo
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