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Sometimes I think my paranoia is getting a bit better. But it’s still there, lurking in the background. I know that I’m not alone, I’ve read so many blogs by ladies who’ve become pregnant after long (or short) battles against infertility and miscarriages and we all carry those scars with us. The 2 friends I met through a forum have made me feel less of a weirdo. 1 of them had scans every week up to about 30 weeks, the other bought an Angel Sounds Fetal Heart Monitor (a Doppler) and also had quite a few extra scans.

The Angel Sounds friend has given me the monitor. This has created a problem. My husband doesn’t want me to use it. He read negative reviews – some of these were about people who couldn’t find a heartbeat and then wasted the hospital’s time going in (we don’t really care for those reviews), others are from midwives who don’t like them because pregnant ladies may rely too much on them and think everything’s ok when it’s not – especially in later pregnancy when you should be monitoring kicks (I guarantee if I get to that stage I will be obsessively monitoring kicks so no problem there), but the ones that got him were suggesting they could be harmful to babies development and also sound very loud to the baby. But I couldn’t find any really good evidence about that. Plus a stressed pregnant lady is also not good for the baby.

I’ve been really naughty and used it a couple of times and not told him. First time I found a heartbeat straight away ( I watched some you tube videos first – very helpful as the baby is much lower than you think at this stage -basically just above your pubes) – but only one. Weirdly for me this didn’t send me into a panic. The first time the heartbeat was loud and also very fast – it crept up to over 180 which was quite high for a fetus at 10.5 weeks. However, I thought there was a strong possibility I was picking them both up at the same time. They are very close together. The second time it took me a little longer to find (but I didn’t have a full bladder that time) and I thought I found 2 as I picked up something very central and then slightly to the right and quite a lot quieter than before but the 2 readings were exactly the same (174) so again I thought only picking up 1 baby.

The husband agreed to another scan because my NHS scan isn’t until over 13 weeks. The scan was at 11w3d and I was actually feeling positive. But the night before I had a really weird scary dream – it involved a pregnancy test (that wasn’t the same as a normal test as I had to fill up a massive part of the test with wee), being unable to wee enough on the test and trying so hard that I pissed blood everywhere and kept doing it because I was so desperate for an answer even when everyone kept telling me to stop, and then the results being inconclusive and no-one being able to tell me if the babies were ok even though I was begging them. I guess a lot of paranoia comes out in dreams!

Anyway, the scan was absolutely fine. Saw the babies straight away and even though I didn’t see the heartbeats at first I saw they were both moving. Twin A was really active and seemed to be hitting themselves in the head quite a few times, though I preferred to think they were trying to suck their thumb (I think they’re too young to do that yet). Twin B was upside down and seemed to be having a very slow little move and then stopped and curled up a bit – maybe they were not impressed at being on show. They’re measuring at 12 weeks and 12w1d so a bit ahead. And their heartbeats were exactly the same – I think that’s a bit unusual from all the stuff I’ve read about trying to find twins with an at home monitor. It explains why I can’t find them both on the monitor.

I have to wait nearly 2 weeks for my next scan. I’m going to try not to use the at home monitor unless I get really anxious  as it’s not fair to my hubby. My nausea is slowly going away – it’s not as consistent (though last night I started feeling sick after I ate my chicken fajitas and was convinced that I’d poisoned myself by undercooking the chicken – my paranoia knows no bounds – I’ll probably have a dream about it later) and my boobs though sore and pretty big (for me, I’m a 30b or a 32a usually) are no longer really tender, but I’m reassured now that this is ok.

My next milestone is my midwife appointment which is next week. I feel like a pregnancy imposter so it will be interesting to see how I cope with that stage!

I’m also acutely aware that now I’m pregnant some readers may unfollow my blog and that some may already have done so. I understand – last year I kept following a number of bloggers who became pregnant but when I had my miscarriage I unfollowed nearly all of them. I often chose not to read entries by those I kept following when they appeared in my feed. All I can say is that I get it, and my heart goes out to everyone on this road.