Tags
Donor eggs, fertility, Infertility, IVF, miscarriage, Pregnancy, support, twins
I’ve had a lot on lately (house renovation, work, getting things ready for the twins) so I’ve blogged very sporadically but I do have a whole load of posts in my head so I’m going to try to get them down over the next few weeks.
I’ve been thinking about blogging about pregnancy and how appropriate this is when your blog was started about infertility and has been an outlet for grief and frustration and the support us infertile bloggers get from the online community. I’ve recently read some blogs by others that seemed to suggest that it perhaps wasn’t appropriate to continue blogging on the same site when you became pregnant. If I’m honest although they absolutely weren’t aimed at me they stung a little and I wondered if I’d committed a bit of a no no…but as I thought it through I disagreed for the following reasons.
I’ve always felt in control of the blogs I follow. Over the last few years whilst I’ve struggled with my infertility a large number of bloggers I follow fell pregnant. Some of them I chose to keep following as they inspired me or sometimes they were just really good or interesting writers. Others I chose not to follow. It often depended on my frame of mind. After miscarriage(s) I unfollowed large numbers of these bloggers. When I felt stronger I chose to refollow some of them. When I was feeling fragile I chose not to read some posts of those I followed – It did not matter to me if they posted the word pregnancy in the title of their blog or whether they said ‘trigger warning’ either allowed me not to click and read the content of their post. I also understood that some of these bloggers needed continued support and I wanted to offer it. And I took some comfort in the fact they had become pregnant.
When I became pregnant back in the summer I was absolutely terrified. I could not relax into the pregnancy at all. Years of infertility and miscarriages had affected my ability to enjoy it. I needed to blog for the therapy of setting out my fears, and for the amazing support I received. I had some really big scares along the way – my pregnancy for the first trimester at least was really very rocky. It helped me so much to blog about it. And it felt like it was related to my previous posts so I didn’t feel I needed to start another blog.
It is true that lately I have relaxed a bit and been enjoying being pregnant. But I have struggled to come to terms with everything that I have been through (see my last post).
I have tried my best to be sensitive – there are no pictures of scans that look like babies and no pregnancy bumps. I have thought about posting these on a separate page so people have to search for them and perhaps I will at some point.
But I am still infertile – I had to use donor eggs to achieve my lasting pregnancy. The pain of infertility will never go away. I will never have my own genetic children. I will always have some jealousy of those who conceive easily. I will always think about the babies I lost. I will always feel solidarity with those who continue on this path – whether that path leads to babies (and however it does) or whether they chose a different path. I will never, ever forgot what it took me to get here and I will always be grateful to those who’ve supported me along the way. So in some ways it felt natural to keep posting about my pregnancy here. Was that right?
And once my babies are here (and that is still not a done deal) should I continue this blog? Should I set up a different blog so people can chose to follow that instead?
A possible reason to continue concerns the nature of the path my husband and I chose. We chose to use donor eggs. We are incredibly lucky that we are expecting twins. But having donor conceived children does present it’s own challenge. And I’ve been a bit disappointed when other bloggers stop blogging after their babies arrive. I want to know about having donor babies – and maybe it’s boringly normal, and maybe sometimes it’s not. And maybe they’re just too busy to blog now. But it would be nice to follow their stories.
I’m interested in what others think about blogging when pregnant and after your baby arrives when your blog was started as a blog about infertility / IVF. Thoughts?
A life without peas 
I still try to blog mainly because having a donor baby and having it feel perfect/ normal makes me want to help others pursuing this path. I think you should still blog and do what feels right. For me- I never got upset and IF bloggers writing about success/ pregnancy it was only when they got Infertility amnesia and would write in a tone that wasn’t sensitive or humble. BUT that is so their choice and I could easily unfollow ( and did). I would personally love to still hear from you. 😘
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Thanks, I loved reading about your pregnancy and love reading about your baby. It’s given me so much strength that I chose the right path. So thank you for keeping your blog going. x
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I always have felt, with all three of my pregnancies, that it was my blog and I had the right to write whatever I wanted. Continuing through a pregnancy doesn’t mean your pain of infertility is gone, and it also allows newcomers to go back and know the whole story, or allow someone some hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In the midst of my struggles if I ever didn’t want to read pregnancy updates it was a simple click of a button to unsubscribe. I personally love following the stories of infertility to an actual take home baby. It’s so special ❤️
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Thanks – I agree that the pain of infertility doesn’t just leave you. And I have often gone back and read over people’s stories when I start to follow them later in their story. x
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This is YOUR blog, you have every right to write about whatever you choose to. Prior to this pregnancy I never questioned why people who had struggled with their infertility continued to blog throughout their pregnancies because that’s part of the journey. In the past I’ve unfollowed some blogs, simply chosen not to read some entries or I’ve found hope and strength in others – nothing to do with the bloggers themselves but it related purely to my mood at the time. I personally found it beneficial to read the positive stories even when it looked like I’d never get there.
I do struggle to blog now because I’m so terrified of losing the baby that I can’t talk about it easily, even on an anonymous blog, unless things go wrong. Then I don’t seem to find it so difficult to write! But that’s due to my anxiety following a myriad of recurrent miscarriages, IVF failure & infertility. Your blog entries also help me because we’re going through a similar experience right now. I didn’t use donor eggs but I was literally one cycle away from donor eggs when I fell pregnant. And I’m not discounting it from the future so I’m keen to learn all about it and hear people’s reflections on their experiences before, during & after pregnancy.
I’m waffling but to sum up: I think you should carry on blogging as much as you want to & about anything you want to.
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Thank you. I’m sorry that you’re finding it tough – I was also terrified and only recently have I been more confident about my pregnancy but I found writing about it and the support I’ve received helped. I’m so glad that my entries have helped you. That’s one reason I started my blog. x
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Yeah I’ve noticed quite a few posts about this lately too. Sometimes I feel bad/guilty that I’ve been blogging so much about my pregnancy as I hate the idea of causing hurt to anyone still struggling but I do believe that people can choose to unfollow or not read certain posts and a blog is someone’s personal space where should be able to post what they like. I would generally still follow infertility bloggers myself when I was in the trenches as I had come to care about them and their story.
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I like reading about your pregnancy and I’m so glad it’s all going well. I admit I’m in a stronger place at the moment so maybe it’s easier to read but I do think I’d have continued to follow you even when I was in the trenches – I know what you mean about caring about people’s stories. x
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I have blogged about this recently and it’s definitely not aimed at you. It’s because I’ve seen other bloggers get really put off by infertility turned pregnancy blogs and I don’t want to be that blogger to upset other people. I myself like to continue to follow the blogs of women who become pregnant because I care about their journeys, as Dubliner said. I also think, bottom line, your blog your content your rules! If I want to make my infertility blog into a full on pregnancy and parenting blog, isn’t that my right? But I am self conscious that I will be that insensitive blogger who has infertility amnesia, like MamaJo said. There has been one time only I was put off by a blog that went from infertility to pregnancy, and that blogger doesn’t follow me anyway, and it was because that blog just became insensitive to infertility right away, immediately full of infertility amnesia, and it was a little upsetting to read some of it, so I exercised my right to unfollow 🙂
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It’s difficult to know what is right isn’t it? And I know what you mean about not wanting to upset people. I would like to read about your pregnancy – I think as long as you’re sensitive it’s ok, and you seem too self aware not to be. On the whole I think most of us are not likely to get infertility amnesia – though I accept there are some people who do (I’ve seen more of them on forums like babycentre which I why I stopped using it). So glad all is going well for you. x
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It’s a toughy. I felt a lot of guilt initially but I’ve noticed that here I am at the end of the pregnancy and I haven’t really said much about it. I’d like for baby to be able to read my blog one day and I’m sad that I don’t have much about the pregnancy. It really is up to you at the end of the day. Followers will come and go regardless. The guilt is real and but it gets easier when you realize there are people still cheering you and are still interesting in your story.
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I know – I blogged quite a bit at the start when I was so very scared – it was an outlet that I needed or I’d have gone insane. I like to think people are still interested in my story as I am in theirs. x
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I’ve thought about this a lot too. And lately, I just haven’t felt inspired to write anything. My DE toddler is boring 😉 and now I’m pregnant again with his DE sister. I try not to write about my son too much mostly out of sensitivity to others but also because no one but maybe his Nana truly wants to know every little detail about him. I know I get tired of hearing about other people’s kids. The newest dilemma is what to do with the left over embryos. We have a bunch.
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Ha ha – I’m glad on the one hand to hear he’s boring (if you know what I mean). I certainly don’t need to know every detail about people’s kids but I do wonder about feelings when bringing up a donor conceived child. I once read a really honest blog where the mum said that she had a real crap time for a bit as her toddler kept saying she loved daddy not mummy and she thought it was because of the donor thing and was distraught, but turned out when she read up on it that at a certain age toddlers start to grasp the concept of love but often get confused and think they can only love one person. Her toddler was simply grappling with normal human toddler emotions. What struck me though was her honesty in how she immediately panicked about what it meant and then worked it through. I’m not sure exactly what I mean by that story but I found it interesting and so honest. I suspect that with twins I’m going to be so busy initially that I won’t have much time to blog for a while anyway.
We have no more embryos (well 2 probably abnormal ones) so we don’t have your dilemma. I don’t know – do you want 3 kids? Good luck with the decision.
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That is a brilliant post. I agree with all your points as to why you sould keep blogging. It’s your blog after all. You’re entitled to post what you want. If I am ever lucky enough to come out the other end of this infertility nightmare I am going to blog my feelings and my journey on the same blog. I have never begrudged a post and never been upset by any of these triggers. Everyone around me has babies and pregnancies and growing children and I support them all. Seeing others and what they have achieved it Benn lucky enough to be blessed with does not trigger my grief. It can be a little hard sometimes though but life goes on for everyone else and they can’t understand what I’m going through so i accept that but if and when my time comes I will be documenting my feelings on my blog. Personally I think it can be a little boring to read a pregnancy blog just saying what was done that day or how many or natal classes a person went to but like in your blog I love to read about the real feelings and thoughts around donor egg, pregnancy after years of infertility and subjects like that. I think it’s really important. Keep going would be what I’d say and keep giving your very real insights. You’re helping a lot of people
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Thanks for your lovely words – I started this blog partly as I’d been through so much IVF I wanted to try to share some of my knowledge but also to try to help others going through the same thing. I’ve just started following your blog – I’m so sorry things are very tough at the moment.
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I think it’s entirely up to the individual. I’ve kept mine going, although I’ve been rubbish recently, on the same blog because it’s a journey. It didn’t stop when I finally got my twins. I’m still infertile. I had to have IVF and if I ever decided I wanted more children I would have to go down the same path. I know when I read other people’s whilst going through the last cycle it really gave me hope to think that it does work, that you can get through it. I found it really inspiring and there are times when it was hard to read those blogs but I could choose not to when I needed to.
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It looks like you’ve had a lot of great comments already, but wanted to add to them as well. Personally, I have continued to blog after struggling with infertility for six years to give back and offer hope to those are still stuck on that roller coaster. I look at it as encouragement that you’re giving and knowledge of what it will be like once those women become pregnant. Your followers time will come and when it does, they will remember what they had read about in your journey. I hope this helps.
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