I’ve not blogged for ages. I’ve meant to but my feelings have been all muddled up in my head since the miscarriage and I’ve also been really busy with work.
One of my worst emotions has been jealousy. I have two great friends whom I met through an online support group but live close by so we developed a close friendship. They both recently had babies. I’m super happy for them, neither had a straightforward journey, but I remember vividly an exchange we had last year where one of them said ‘what happens if one or two of us get pregnant? What happens to the one(s) left behind?’ At the time she thought it would be her but I always had the feeling it would be me. And it was. I know they know how I feel and they understand completely – we had a very honest conversation about jealousy and sadness when my friend first voiced that concern. I do feel quite lonely without their constant support, they have been messaging me a bit at first but they’re both busy with their babies and I don’t have the strength to go and see them or make the effort. It’s just not the same anymore.
The worst jealousy though has been that I feel with one of my oldest and closest friends. Her journey has been really hard, and IVF just didn’t work for her, her PGS results were terrible – like mine. She recently embarked on timed intercourse with trigger and immune support. She got pregnant first go, just 2 weeks after me. For a few weeks we both dared to hope. Like me she had bleeding, but much more than I did, and we thought we’d be going through a miscarriage together, we even planned some nights out for after. However, against the odds her baby has continued to develop and she is now over the magic 12 weeks. A couple of weeks ago she sent me a lovely message about how wrong it felt not to see and support me and that not a day went by when she didn’t think of me. It was a beautiful message but I felt like I wanted to punish her a little, and it also upset me terribly, so I didn’t reply for a bit. The reason was partly jealousy. I realise that it’s possible to feel both happy for someone and jealous at the same time, but it’s not a nice way to feel. In the end I replied to say that the timing of her pregnancy is still really hard for me and that for now I just needed some space. I do miss her terribly and I wonder if the one I’m really punishing is myself.
I’ve been giving myself a really hard time about my feelings towards my friends. But recently I’ve come to some acceptance. I know it’s natural to have these feelings. My husband and I discussed it and he is also experiencing some jealousy too.
I’m not sure that I will be able to go and visit the babies. I’m not even sure that I’ll be able to see my pregnant friend, at least not for a while. But by acknowledging my feelings instead of feeling bad about them I hope to reach some kind of peace with myself.