How appropriate is blogging about your pregnancy when your blog is about infertility?

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I’ve had a lot on lately (house renovation, work, getting things ready for the twins) so I’ve blogged very sporadically but I do have a whole load of posts in my head so I’m going to try to get them down over the next few weeks.

I’ve been thinking about blogging about pregnancy and how appropriate this is when your blog was started about infertility and has been an outlet for grief and frustration and the support us infertile bloggers get from the online community. I’ve recently read some blogs by others that seemed to suggest that it perhaps wasn’t appropriate to continue blogging on the same site when you became pregnant. If I’m honest although they absolutely weren’t aimed at me they stung a little and I wondered if I’d committed a bit of a no no…but as I thought it through I disagreed for the following reasons.

I’ve always felt in control of the blogs I follow. Over the last few years whilst I’ve struggled with my infertility a large number of bloggers I follow fell pregnant. Some of them I chose to keep following as they inspired me or sometimes they were just really good or interesting writers. Others I chose not to follow. It often depended on my frame of mind. After miscarriage(s) I unfollowed large numbers of these bloggers. When I felt stronger I chose to refollow some of them. When I was feeling fragile I chose not to read some posts of those I followed – It did not matter to me if they posted the word pregnancy in the title of their blog or whether they said ‘trigger warning’ either allowed me not to click and read the content of their post. I also understood that some of these bloggers needed continued support and I wanted to offer it. And I took some comfort in the fact they had become pregnant.

When I became pregnant back in the summer I was absolutely terrified. I could not relax into the pregnancy at all. Years of infertility and miscarriages had affected my ability to enjoy it. I needed to blog for the therapy of setting out my fears, and for the amazing support I received. I had some really big scares along the way – my pregnancy for the first trimester at least was really very rocky. It helped me so much to blog about it. And it felt like it was related to my previous posts so I didn’t feel I needed to start another blog.

It is true that lately I have relaxed a bit and been enjoying being pregnant. But I have struggled to come to terms with everything that I have been through (see my last post).

I have tried my best to be sensitive – there are no pictures of scans that look like babies and no pregnancy bumps. I have thought about posting these on a separate page so people have to search for them and perhaps I will at some point.

But I am still infertile – I had to use donor eggs to achieve my lasting pregnancy. The pain of infertility will never go away. I will never have my own genetic children. I will always have some jealousy of those who conceive easily. I will always think about the babies I lost. I will always feel solidarity with those who continue on this path – whether that path leads to babies (and however it does) or whether they chose a different path. I will never, ever forgot what it took me to get here and I will always be grateful to those who’ve supported me along the way. So in some ways it felt natural to keep posting about my pregnancy here. Was that right?

And once my babies are here (and that is still not a done deal) should I continue this blog? Should I set up a different blog so people can chose to follow that instead?

A possible reason to continue concerns the nature of the path my husband and I chose. We chose to use donor eggs. We are incredibly lucky that we are expecting twins. But having donor conceived children does present it’s own challenge. And I’ve been a bit disappointed when other bloggers stop blogging after their babies arrive. I want to know about having donor babies – and maybe it’s boringly normal, and maybe sometimes it’s not. And maybe they’re just too busy to blog now. But it would be nice to follow their stories.

I’m interested in what others think about blogging when pregnant and after your baby arrives when your blog was started as a blog about infertility / IVF. Thoughts?

 

 

 

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Coming to terms with my past and my future

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Now I’m a bit emotional these days what with the hormones going a bit wild but this article appeared on my news feed a couple of times lately and I took a lot of comfort in the content. It’s a message from a grown up IVF baby conceived through embryo donation and it’s lovely.

I have at times struggled a bit with the fact that we used donor eggs to make the twins and that I’ll never have my own genetic children. Whilst I broadly came to terms with using donor eggs a couple of years ago there was still a residual upset over it even once I became pregnant. Over the last few weeks I’ve made a bit of a mental breakthrough in my feelings following some very late night soul searching and tears. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still feel jealous of those who conceive easily and that I won’t always have a little sadness about having to choose this route to becoming a parent. And I’ll never have a mini me in the traditional sense – though actually when you start to think that through it’s a narcissistic thing to think that your children will or should be mini you’s! They should be mini themselves!

I am also very grateful to have had the option of using donor eggs. More recently I’ve felt a relaxing in my feelings towards my pregnancy itself and an acceptance and more joy at being pregnant after a tension filled first trimester and a tentative start to my second. As I’m in the third trimester and the babies kicks become harder and I see the ripples across my stomach my attachment to them has got stronger. They are my children and I love them already, and I realised that I always have, ever since that first pregnancy test, before I knew there were two, when I thought I was going to lose them when I bled, and when I saw they were still there. Because of my history I put those feelings into a little box and closed the lid – I didn’t really let myself feel the love at first. The feelings were fighting with a need to come to terms with and process much of the last few years.  I had a very well developed method of self preservation. I have been more open about our infertility struggles in the last couple of years and as part of that I have been told how resilient I am, how well I’ve coped with my miscarriages, with the years of injections, with the hope, the failure and the eternal sadness. I did cope. But only in part because I repressed a lot of my emotions. But then I saw my husband start to fall apart and I knew we couldn’t continue like this – emotionally, physically and financially we needed to draw a line. The last cycle really was the last one.

I guess this is a very long winded way of saying that being pregnant has forced me to confront and work through all these feelings in a way that I’ve avoided in the past – even when I was having counselling – I’m very good at avoiding talking about things I don’t want to discuss!

As part of this I do want to tell my brothers very soon that the twins are from donor eggs (my sister and my parents know as do a few very close friends). I’m actually not worried about that conversation. I just haven’t got round to it yet. I know they will all be very accepting and I know this because of the way we all feel about my niece. My niece is not genetically related to my brother who is her dad, or to my other brothers and sister or to my parents, her grandparents, because my brother is technically her step dad. He brought her up from the age of 3, she calls him dad and even though she now has a relationship with her biological dad she’s also firmly a part of my family and is treated no differently than her siblings who are related to all of us genetically. I’ve always found it especially touching to see my parents relationship with her – they were super excited to become her grandparents and they have also been super supportive of our decision to use donor eggs. In many ways the way my family are with my niece sealed my decision to use donor eggs.

I know that there are potentially emotional and difficult conversations ahead. I think much of my fear has to do with how my children will react to the fact they were conceived by donor eggs and how they will feel about me, their mum. But I can’t control that. We just have to do our best as parents. For us that means being honest with them from an early age.  And this means we may need to tell others around us more about our route to becoming parents.

But for now I’m relaxing into my pregnancy finally and starting to feel quite excited about meeting our little ones. I’ll always have some fears about the future but actually parenting is scary anyway! At the moment the prospect of coping with twins is more pressing and all consuming!  More of that another time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What not to do on day one of your holiday!

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Fall over down a hill onto your bump and knees!

I am known for being a bit clumsy but I really excelled myself. I’ll write another post about exercising during a twin pregnancy (and I have a draft post written from ages ago about exercise and IVF) but I’m trying to keep running a bit. However my bump has got quite big this last 2 weeks and so my centre of gravity is changing, that coupled with jet lag, uneven ground, and chatting to my brother whilst jogging resulted in me taking a tumble. I wasn’t running fast and my knees took the brunt (see pic) but I definitely also landed on the bump.

Initially I wasn’t worried but after some soul searching I decided to go to hospital. I am in Canada so no NHS cover for me here!

We initially went to the ER who sent me to the birthing centre as I was over 20 weeks. T1 had started kicking me by then so I was reassured but to me the kicks felt a bit weaker than they often do. I also couldn’t feel T2 at all – though that’s not unusual.

The centre was great (though my poor brother had to be our guarantor as coming from the UK we don’t have health insurance). They found 2 good heartbeats straight away which was reassuring but wanted me to have a scan. There was a 3 hour wait! We were also in a shared room and the lady in the bed next to me was scheduled for a c section that day but was having contractions. My poor husband was terrified she was going to go into labour !

Long story short, by the time we had the scan my left leg was black with bruising whereas there was none on my stomach so I was fairly confident the twins were ok. Scan was still a bit nerve wracking but showed up nothing abnormal. I saw T1 kick T2 – naughty! T2 has changed positions again and was doing some amazing gymnastics.

Interestingly although the Drs knew about T2’s cord as I’d taken my hospital notes with me they deliberately didn’t tell the sonographer who noted both babies had a normal cord. However, this scan was a lot shorter than the anomaly scan. Still it’s something to mention on my return.

We left $400 lighter in pocket and with peace of mind! I had taken out really good travel insurance so hoping we get some of that back. Makes me appreciate the NHS even more! Was especially weird to pay a consultant $150 in IMG_1771cash for a 5 min conversation….I guess I should be partly used to this having done a lot of private IVF in the UK. But my recent pregnancy experiences have all been NHS.

Anyway, now to enjoy our holiday. We’re in Canada for one of my brother’s weddings which is really exciting.

Anomaly scan hopes and scares

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In the UK we have an anomaly scan at around 20 weeks. The scan looks in detail at the baby’s bones, heart, brain, spinal cord, face, kidneys and abdomen. It allows the sonographer to look specifically for a range of 11 conditions, some of which are very rare.

Mine was last week. I was in the twin room where I’ll have all my future scans. I knew it was going to take a while but was a bit gobsmacked when the sonographers told me it would be around 1.5 hours – 45 mins for each baby! But they have a lot of stuff to check.

It was lovely to see the babies moving around again.  Then the serious business began. T1 hadn’t moved position, they are still head down almost in the middle of my belly slightly to the left facing front  (which means we’re back to back – not great for labour so hoping they turn around). They were extremely well behaved, presenting everything to the sonographers who were able to get clear pictures all the way through.

I wasn’t so great, I started to feel very sick which I thought was because the sonographer was at times pressing my belly quite hard, but when I got really hot and the room started to blur I quickly spoke up. They turned me on my side just before I nearly passed out. The pressure of the babies and lying on my back was cutting off my blood supply. I knew this was a thing but hadn’t experienced it. It wasn’t nice. The rest of the scan was quite uncomfortable as although I was on my side for a lot of it I did have to keep going onto my back and could only generally manage it for about 10 mins before I started to feel sick again.

Happily they reported that T1 was fine and no issues seen. Also their placenta has moved up as my uterus has grown and is no longer low so that’s very good news.

T2 was naughty. They are on my right side. They kept turning around during the scan and wouldn’t open their hands so they sonographer couldn’t count their fingers. Then they couldn’t get a picture of their palate. They were scanning me through my back at one point. Then they tried to manually rotate the baby. That wasn’t actually as painful as I was expecting. They also seemed to have difficulty taking all the necessary pictures of the heart. Eventually after 1.45 hours they had everything they needed.

I then had a cervical scan – all is well as cervix is still nice and long. My husband got a shock when a round thing appeared on the screen which was T1’s head.

They then sat us down to report on T2. T2 is fine apart from the fact their umbilical cord only has one artery and one vein. Usually the cord has two arteries and a vein. Sometimes this is accompanied by heart, kidney or chromosome issues – all of which have been ruled out for T2, and partly explained why the scan of the heart was so long. But they are at risk of restricted fetal growth. If there was only one baby we’d now be referred for monthly monitoring but we’re going to be getting that anyway as we’re having twins. They were at pains to reassure us that the growth at the moment is spot on and nothing to worry about.

Obviously we are concerned. But we just have to get on with things and hope T2 continues to grow well and be reassured that at least we are getting monitored. I know that if growth does become restricted then the twins are looking at early delivery. Fingers crossed that we don’t have to cross that hurdle. I want them to stay in as long as possible.

Due to the stress of the scan we didn’t actually take any pictures which I regret a bit. But we’ll have another scan in 4 weeks and can get some then.

At times I have still struggled a bit with the donor egg decision, largely because I worry about the future and how decisions we made will impact our children. And sometimes I do feel sad that I won’t have children who are genetically related to me. But when I heard that T2 might have an issue I felt what any parent would feel. I realised that it’s normal to worry about your children now and for their future. I love my babies and it doesn’t matter that they aren’t from my eggs. They are growing inside me and I just want them to be ok.

 

16-20 weeks – bumps are us!

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Sorry, I keep forgetting to post – I’ve had a lot on with work, building work to our house, and our imminent trip to Canada to see my brother.

Almost overnight I got a bump. Ok, slight exaggeration admittedly I had a fair hint of one at 16 weeks but it wasn’t poking right out of  most of my clothes even though they were tight. I could still get my summer skinny jeans done up (just). I was still just about clinging on to the ‘is she isn’t she’ stage. Though when I saw my brother he said ‘bloody hell you’re big’ and that was at just under 16 weeks. I think he meant relative to my usual size which is pretty little, or so I shall chose to believe. Big points to my 5 year old nephew who told me the same week that my ‘tummy wasn’t big enough to fit a baby in’.

Then at about 16.5 weeks I got terrible pains all afternoon at work – I was miserable and on knicker watch as they felt like period pains but without the cramps – it’s the nearest thing I can think to describe it. Everything down below felt so heavy and I felt really sick – not my usual pregnancy nausea but really sick. It went on for hours and I totally freaked my husband out. Gradually that evening it subsided and I decided that it was actually constipation (embarrassing!). The next morning I felt absolutely fine! However, over the next few days this thing appeared, a rather large (or so I thought) bump. Who knows if the pain really was constipation or growing pains or ligaments stretching or what. But here it now is – an undeniable bump that is not taking any hiding!

Luckily I told my boss at 16 weeks – he had more or less guessed as he knows about the IVF but completely understood  I hadn’t wanted to say anything until things were further along. Over the next week I gradually started to tell other people at work. Quite a few had already guessed.

I got one of these baby on board badges. For those who don’t live in London they are pretty much a necessity if you travel on busy trains or tubes to try to persuade people to give you a seat. I’ve not actually worn it that much as I get on my London train near the beginning of the line so usually get a seat. I also don’t feel like I desperately need a seat yet. I felt a bit weird getting the badge. Like I was tempting fate. But I’ve needed it a bit more last couple of weeks when I do get the tube. Most people are good about giving you a seat, though not all!

badge

We had another scan at 17+2 as my anxiety was starting to build a bit. Everything was looking good. T1 is vertical in the middle of their belly with their head low down and their feet behind my belly button – which explained the little flutters I’d been getting there. T2 is reclining horizontally mainly in the lower right bottom of my belly. Their bums are overlapping. They weren’t as lively as last time but both were moving around and we saw T2 opening and closing their mouth. The sonographer did say that T1 has a low lying placenta which I hope moves up by my 20 (actually nearer 21) week NHS scan or that might point to a caesarean, though there’s still quite a bit of time for it to move. At the time I couldn’t feel T2  – the placenta is anterior which means it joins on the front of the uterus and can block movement. T1 has a posterior placenta. We found out the genders but we’re keeping it to ourselves for now.

Last couple of weeks the bump has got bigger and bigger and I’m now very obviously pregnant. Overall I feel ok but at 19 weeks I had a scare. I spent a couple of nights in agonising pain all over my bump and back and spent the days feeling sick. Turns out I had a UTI that I have probably had for a month as my hospital never sent my results to the midwife or to me so I’ve been on antibiotics. But some of the pains are likely growing pains – understandable with 2 little ones growing inside and I was only small to begin with – I’ve put on a stone in weight. I did struggle for a few days and then when the pain died down I was still having huge difficulty with night time back ache. So I bought a pregnancy pillow – OMG – it’s amazing! I am actually able to sleep! By the way I don’t mean to sound ungrateful – I’m still so overjoyed to be pregnant and blessed with twins but naively I didnt expect the second trimester to be this hard at times – I thought I wouldn’t get back ache as I’m fit and run, do pilates and yoga and have a strong core (or so I thought!). On the plus side the nausea finally went away at 20 weeks.

20 week (or actually 21 week) anomaly scan next week – I’m so excited to see the twins again and also to hopefully know they’re ok. I’ve been feeling quite a lot of movement which is very reassuring but not convinced I’m feeling T2 though sometimes I do think I can.

My sister has named the twins Holly and Ivy as they will be winter babies. I don’t think those names are going to stick!

I’m going to start another page with some bump and scan pics in case anyone is interested.

 

 

Bye bye first trimester

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This post is a bit late as it’s been sitting in my drafts for a while. I’m now over the (horrible, slightly bloody, nerve-wracking) first trimester. There is still a really long way to go and I still take it week to week but I am so very grateful to be here.

At about 12 weeks I had my midwife booking in appointment. She was really lovely as she went through all the various checklists and questions and so thoughtful when asking me to run through my previous pregnancies/miscarriages. Unsurprisingly she recommended a hospital birth due to the twin pregnancy, and the pregnancy has been classed as high risk due to the twins, my thyroid (which admittedly is a non issue according to the NHS guidelines), and my quote ‘geriatric age’ (although I used donor eggs being older than 37 still carries risks). Largely due to the twins I’ll have consultant and midwife combined care.

At 13 weeks and 1 day I had my first NHS scan, the nuchal scan where they test for Down’s, Edwards’ and Patau’s syndromes using a scan and blood test. These usually happen between 10-14 weeks. My hospital is a research hospital and they have a brand new state of the art foetal research unit. This means that at the moment I don’t need to go anywhere near the awful EPU that holds so many bad memories. As it’s a research facility the sonographers are all researchers, I was expecting this but not to have 3 in the room. The ‘trainee’ started to do the scan and straight away they were like “woah twins why didn’t you say?” all I can say is it’s a good job I knew already and they obviously hadn’t read my notes – the reason I didn’t say anything was mainly because I get so nervous about scans. Anyway, the more experienced researcher then had to do the scan whilst the other experienced one fired multiple questions at me and the trainee hovered around. I hardly got to see any of twin 1 because they were constantly asking q’s but I could see they were slowly moving around. I actually got to watch twin 2 a bit more. Just like last time he/she was going a bit crazy – drumming their heels on the edge of the sack and then possibly sucking their thumb. The sonographer found it difficult to take measurements because they were so active. Luckily they settled down after a while.

We then had to wait for the results of the nuchal test which was slightly nerve wracking, though as we’d had PGS on our embryos so we were fairly confident that the twins wouldn’t be high risk, and they weren’t which was a relief.

A week later at 14 weeks I had my first consultant appointment, again at the research centre. It was a bit of a non event. I was told more than once that I was high risk due to my geriatric age. I get it, I don’t think they need to mention it more than once. In the end after a bit of a lecture about blood pressure I felt compelled to point out that my blood pressure is great, until recently I ran 35 miles a week, and i’m still doing some exercise.

More interesting was a very quick discussion about my birth options. My hospital induces ladies pregnant with twins at 37 weeks which I’m not too pleased about but chances are I may not get to then anyway. The consultant was pleased to hear I wanted to try a vaginal birth (I don’t really want to say ‘natural’, aren’t all births to an extent natural? It’s a bit like the ‘are your twins natural?’ question. I’d be so tempted to say something like ‘well I guess so as they’re not plastic’). But at the end of the day isn’t the main thing to have 2 healthy babies, it doesn’t really matter how they arrive.

I now have to wait until 19 weeks for my first proper midwife appointment and 21 weeks for my next scan. It seems a lifetime away!

I’m looking a bit inbetween – is she a bit fat or a bit pregnant? So far I’m managing to hide it fairly well at work I think!

I have some pics of the scan but I don’t know whether to post as they look much more like babies. I guess most people reading this wouldn’t mind?

 

 

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11w3d – still paranoid

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Sometimes I think my paranoia is getting a bit better. But it’s still there, lurking in the background. I know that I’m not alone, I’ve read so many blogs by ladies who’ve become pregnant after long (or short) battles against infertility and miscarriages and we all carry those scars with us. The 2 friends I met through a forum have made me feel less of a weirdo. 1 of them had scans every week up to about 30 weeks, the other bought an Angel Sounds Fetal Heart Monitor (a Doppler) and also had quite a few extra scans.

The Angel Sounds friend has given me the monitor. This has created a problem. My husband doesn’t want me to use it. He read negative reviews – some of these were about people who couldn’t find a heartbeat and then wasted the hospital’s time going in (we don’t really care for those reviews), others are from midwives who don’t like them because pregnant ladies may rely too much on them and think everything’s ok when it’s not – especially in later pregnancy when you should be monitoring kicks (I guarantee if I get to that stage I will be obsessively monitoring kicks so no problem there), but the ones that got him were suggesting they could be harmful to babies development and also sound very loud to the baby. But I couldn’t find any really good evidence about that. Plus a stressed pregnant lady is also not good for the baby.

I’ve been really naughty and used it a couple of times and not told him. First time I found a heartbeat straight away ( I watched some you tube videos first – very helpful as the baby is much lower than you think at this stage -basically just above your pubes) – but only one. Weirdly for me this didn’t send me into a panic. The first time the heartbeat was loud and also very fast – it crept up to over 180 which was quite high for a fetus at 10.5 weeks. However, I thought there was a strong possibility I was picking them both up at the same time. They are very close together. The second time it took me a little longer to find (but I didn’t have a full bladder that time) and I thought I found 2 as I picked up something very central and then slightly to the right and quite a lot quieter than before but the 2 readings were exactly the same (174) so again I thought only picking up 1 baby.

The husband agreed to another scan because my NHS scan isn’t until over 13 weeks. The scan was at 11w3d and I was actually feeling positive. But the night before I had a really weird scary dream – it involved a pregnancy test (that wasn’t the same as a normal test as I had to fill up a massive part of the test with wee), being unable to wee enough on the test and trying so hard that I pissed blood everywhere and kept doing it because I was so desperate for an answer even when everyone kept telling me to stop, and then the results being inconclusive and no-one being able to tell me if the babies were ok even though I was begging them. I guess a lot of paranoia comes out in dreams!

Anyway, the scan was absolutely fine. Saw the babies straight away and even though I didn’t see the heartbeats at first I saw they were both moving. Twin A was really active and seemed to be hitting themselves in the head quite a few times, though I preferred to think they were trying to suck their thumb (I think they’re too young to do that yet). Twin B was upside down and seemed to be having a very slow little move and then stopped and curled up a bit – maybe they were not impressed at being on show. They’re measuring at 12 weeks and 12w1d so a bit ahead. And their heartbeats were exactly the same – I think that’s a bit unusual from all the stuff I’ve read about trying to find twins with an at home monitor. It explains why I can’t find them both on the monitor.

I have to wait nearly 2 weeks for my next scan. I’m going to try not to use the at home monitor unless I get really anxious  as it’s not fair to my hubby. My nausea is slowly going away – it’s not as consistent (though last night I started feeling sick after I ate my chicken fajitas and was convinced that I’d poisoned myself by undercooking the chicken – my paranoia knows no bounds – I’ll probably have a dream about it later) and my boobs though sore and pretty big (for me, I’m a 30b or a 32a usually) are no longer really tender, but I’m reassured now that this is ok.

My next milestone is my midwife appointment which is next week. I feel like a pregnancy imposter so it will be interesting to see how I cope with that stage!

I’m also acutely aware that now I’m pregnant some readers may unfollow my blog and that some may already have done so. I understand – last year I kept following a number of bloggers who became pregnant but when I had my miscarriage I unfollowed nearly all of them. I often chose not to read entries by those I kept following when they appeared in my feed. All I can say is that I get it, and my heart goes out to everyone on this road.

10 weeks, milestones and more bleeding

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This week has been a week of many milestones. On Monday I took a huge leap of faith and went to see my GP to report my pregnancy and get into the NHS system. She knows my history and so there were no big congratulations just an acknowledgement of how far I’d come this pregnancy and an understanding of my remaining concerns. Filling out the form for the midwife referral was very weird – I’ve never got that far before. Despite the fact I must surely be in the higher risk category (4 miscarriages, twin pregnancy, my age etc) my midwife appointment is at 12 weeks and my scan is at 13 weeks 1 day.

On Tuesday I felt like I’d jinxed everything. I was feeling pretty positive ahead of my 10 week scan at my IVF clinic until I went to the toilet just before bed. There was red blood on my liner. And when I inserted the crinone it was all over the applicator. I barely slept that night – every twinge felt magnified and I started to get a bit of lower back ache. Rational me pointed out that I had a lot of backache early on and with my tilted uterus it’s a common pregnancy symptom. Irrational me reminded me that backache and red blood are signs of miscarriage. I eventually fell asleep and dreamt that I bleed all over the bed. I didn’t. When I work in the early hours there was no blood on my (massive just in case) pad and the bleeding seemed to have ceased.

My scan was at lunchtime at my clinic. Straight away I saw one heartbeat but it took a bit longer to find the second. Both babies looked more like babies – they had limbs! And they were moving. One of them turned all the way around in the time we had the scan. This time my husband was more excited – I don’t think he’d been letting himself get excited before. Turns out the bleed was from my cervix, it was likely it had been irritated by something, possibly the crinone gels. That night I had some more bleeding but nothing since then.

I was discharged from the fertility clinic. Out into the real world. And I feel strangely adrift given I have to wait so long for my NHS scan. I’ve had a bit of a wobble the last 2 days so I’ll either be paying for another scan or going to the Early Pregnancy Unit for one next week.

I’m now weaning off some of my drugs. I’m off the clexane for good now because of the bleed (I would’ve been coming off soon anyway), I’m off the progesterone in oil (thank fuck for that – I hate that stuff), I’m off the utrogestan (except I’m not as I’ve got quite a bit left so I’m continuing to take it at a lower dose), I’m on a weaning programme for the prednisolone (I find this a little scary as it’s the only drug I was missing last time I had a miscarriage so I do wonder if it’s been the thing keeping my pregnancy going) I’m still on the progynova and the crinone (gross) plus the thyroxine.

I told my parents the news and they were so happy (I get a bit nervous telling them as my mum always gets over-excited and I’m not quite ready for that yet, though to be fair she was fairly restrained this time). But we’ve not told many other people yet, just my two friends who read this blog and my sister. And two of my university friends have sort of guessed – they know me too well and I see one of them nearly every day, but they think it’s all very, very early still.

Two weeks until the end of this long drawn out first trimester. Please let us make it.

8w6d, cellulitis and other concerns!

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I have cellulitis, or to explain it more explicitly a bacterial infection in my bum cheek muscle caused by the lentogest injections (progesterone in oil). The other day I noticed that there was  a large red, hot area around a bruise on my butt. A quick trip to the GP confirmed it and I was prescribed a week of antibiotics. I wasn’t massively keen on taking them but a bacterial infection could be serious and the ones I’m taking are safe in pregnancy. My clinic didn’t seem overly concerned – apparently it happens with lentogest because the injections go into the muscle. We’d been really careful to clean the injection site etc but I still got the infection. I’ve been advised to put a hot water bottle on the site after injection to help disperse the oil. Trust me to get a butt infection. It actually cleared up after 2 days of antibiotics but I’m taking the whole course.

Last weekend the paranoia got to me a bit. I spent a sleepless night utterly convinced that one or both of the twins had died. There was no real reason for my anxiety other than the timing of my nausea had changed. I was still getting it but for a shorter period of time. I managed to snap out of it to attend a festival with friends (it was one of my best mate’s birthdays) and felt very sick for part of the day so that’ll teach me. I also threw up for the first time when I got home but I think that was because I’d got really hungry as we stayed out longer than anticipated and then I stuffed my face with cheesy crumpets when I got in – like literally inhaled them like a pig without waiting for breath ( I should probably mention that I’ve been stuffing my face a bit – it makes me feel less sick, plus I’m hungry quite often).

Anyway, we decided that to manage my anxiety a bit better (and on the wise advice of a friend who’s been in my shoes) to get another scan. This time we didn’t go to our extortionately expensive clinic, nor could I quite bring myself to go to my EPU as it holds the worst memories for me, so we found a company  that charges less than half what my clinic does, and has sonographers all over the country. I managed to get a lunchtime appointment in central London yesterday not too far from either my or my husband’s work.

This time is wasn’t an internal vaginal scan but on the belly. So much nicer. And the twins are both fine. One measured 9w1d and the other 8w5d (I was officially 8w6d).  Their heartrates are also good. And we could see a real difference since last week in terms of how they look. I’m hoping that scan keeps me sane for another week. I’m acutely aware that things could still go wrong. But yesterday was a happy day.

 

 

 

7w6d 2 hearts

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I didn’t say anything in my last post as I wanted to break my news to a couple of friends who read this blog and didn’t want them to read it on here first. Plus the husband and I were in a bit of shock. So, last week we saw two heartbeats. Yup twins! I had considered twins might be a possibility as my HCG level was high but without knowing how much it was rising it was kind of out of context. So it was a bit of a shock when we were told (though the husband had actually seen both sacs on the ultrasound before the sonographer showed me – I couldn’t see the screen properly at first). One measured 6w5d and one 6w6d (spot on) with good heartbeats.

We had our second scan at 7w6d because of the bleeding last week, and they were looking good. One is now measuring 8w1d and the other was 7w6d. The Dr waited an age to confirm to us – I nearly had a heart attack. We heard the heartbeats too which was special, though the husband didn’t like it because they beat so fast it weirds him out apparently!

No more bleeding though I’m still getting some brown crinone discharge (that stuff is the devil’s work – I never thought I’d say I prefer cyclogest) and the odd very small bit of brown blood (possibly the crinone irritating my cervix) but I’m trying to take it in my stride.

I’m still really nervous. About everything. About getting through each day and still being pregnant (4 miscarriages will do that to you), about carrying twins, about the risks. But for today things are good.

One day at a time…..

Next scan at 10 weeks (if I can last that long).

scan